It's been hard lately

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

I've been struggling lately with a lot of things that are going on in my life and in my mind, and I haven't felt like taking pictures or posting much on here. I don't really want to go into details, but I also don't know what to post about either. I haven't been picking up the camera much for weeks now, and I've been so uninspired to do much of anything with my days. I feel like I'm on cruise control, and keep waiting for this period to end, but it just keeps going on.

I've been spending a lot of time on the computer lately, reading blogs that I've neglected for a long, long time, trying to take my mind off things and get inspired again. I've been really melancholy and emotional lately, and I've been praying more and trying to stay close to God. He is the only thing that can help me when things get rough, and He knows what's in my heart without me having to say one word. He is my best friend. I've been listening to these 15-minute teachings by Zac Poonen titled 'Basic Christian Teachings,' and I'm loving it. His voice is really calm, too, and when I've had a long day I just want to sit down, pull my notebook out, turn on a lesson, and feed my soul. There are 72 lessons, and I'm only on the tenth one, but I like taking my time with it. I don't learn well by hearing, so if I take the time to take notes, and get things down on paper, I am 100% more likely to retain the information and remember it. I'm a very visual person, and I've always studied this way all through high school and college. Lots and lots of notes.

I got a burst of energy and determination last week, and decided to paint the breakfast area that's next to the kitchen white. I had most of the paint and primer and supplies, so I only had to spend a little bit of money and get to work. Those walls have been white in my mind for a long time now, so to see it in real life is pretty neat now! The ceiling is now half white and half tan because I need to finish the rest of the kitchen. I'm thinking today if I get to it, or tomorrow for sure. I talked to a painter who has been painting our neighbor's house inside and out, and asked him why the paint was bleeding into the cabinets even though I taped it off really well. He gave me a few pointers, which will make a huge difference, I think. I painted around only one small cabinet on purpose, so I could see the results before I did too much damage that I couldn't reverse. It's going to be lots of taping and covering up counters, cabinets, and floors, but at least the painting part will go fast because there are barely any walls to paint.

I've been wanting to get my hair cut and colored for so long now, and haven't been able to. I've been wanting to start scrapbooking again, and haven't been able to get my pictures printed. I've been itching to get some fall clothes and a cool pair of booties, and that's on the back burner right now. I want to work out again, but I need to get the DVDs I've been wanting in order to start (the gym is just not working for me these days). I haven't wanted to call up friends to see them, and it feels like I'm the only one doing the calling anyway. My throat has been hurting again, and last time it hurt, it took almost a year to get it to stop. I really don't want to go through that again. My back has been hurting a lot as well lately. I think a big reason I've been down lately is that it feels like everything that's in my head is not that way in my life right now, and I'm just frustrated by it all. I wish I could make it all happen, but it's out of my hands, and it's really, really frustrating. I'm leaning on God, and trying not to complain. (Forgive me for the whole last paragraph please. I just had to get some of it out.)

But...there are plenty of good things, too. My sugar diet is almost over, and I will be eating sugar in six days! I'm going to celebrate by baking these babies and eating as many of them as I want (sans filling), and then going out for a pumpkin spice latte stat. Then I'm going to start baking again, which is really therapeutic for me, and I haven't been able to do it because of this sugar thing I'm doing. So that will be good. The month is almost over, and the beginning of another month always feels like a clean slate to me. I'm having people over for dinner on Thursday, so I'm going to focus on getting ready for that. My little sister and her husband will also be in town this weekend. Also, I'm starting to love fall more and more with each passing year, so I'm really looking forward to the beautiful colors that are just around the corner, and sweater weather too. I hate the bare trees after it's all over, but I'll try not to think about it too much. :) And these kids of mine are growing with each passing day, and I get to be their mom. I get to teach them and be with them and see things through their eyes. Childhood is so magical, and I think about mine all the time.

I think today I'll go get those dishes washed, get some yummy food cooked, clean that bathroom I've been meaning to clean for weeks now (embarassing...), and sew a cloud pillow. Yup, I've been seeing cloud pillows all over the place lately, and I'm just itching to go make one. It may make be feel better, and I know as long as I keep my hands busy, this too shall pass...and I will be so happy when it does.

Just this morning I dropped the kids off at school, came home, and realized it's picture day (I was just telling the kids this morning "It's not today, it's on Thursday, I know better..."). Mila had dressed herself and I hadn't done anything with her hair, and Ben did his hair real quick before heading out the door too. I grabbed a hair clip and another top and sweater for Mila, drove back to school, found her on the playground, changed her in the car and made a little braid in her hair right before she walked into class. It is her first school picture, after all--I'm glad I went to the extra effort. :) Ben, however, is on his own. We'll see how they turn out...



Natalia K said...

Aw, you're such an amazing mom, sister, friend, and woman in general. Your "uninspired" and "cruise control" is most other people's "going full throttle". Give yourself more credit, and a little break! Being in pain is really draining, though, so I'm praying you start feeling better really soon!

Tanya M said...

Whatever, Nat! My cruise control is definitely not someone else's full throttle, maybe I'm good at making it seem that way. But thanks for the kind words.

Natasha of said...

Tanya, I hope you start feeling better soon; I'll be praying for you too. It's hard to be a full time parent. Even though I work like a slave at nights, it's still nice to have a change of scenery sometimes ;) Oh and to me, you appear to be going full throttle with all your projects, dreams, goals and kids! :)

Tanya M said...

Thanks, Natasha, for the encouragement, and the prayers. Sometimes a change of pace and scenery is just what is needed. And YOU are the Energizer bunny, not me!

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