Today has been a hard, hard day. Without going into too much detail, there are things I have no control over that have me all worried and anxious. It feels like I'm in the desert, with miles and miles still ahead of me. It's hard when there are problems in your life that just don't seem to have an easy answer, and they go unresolved for a long time. When there seems to be no solution, and it wears on you with each passing day. It's hard to have courage when you just want to throw your hands up and give up. It's like labor--when it's short you know it'll be really painful but you'll only have to bear the pain for a short while. But when it's long, it's much worse because it's exhausting physically and emotionally and wears you down until you can barely get that baby out in the end. That's kind of how I feel, in a nutshell. :)
I'm praying, asking God for clarity and wisdom, but the answer doesn't seem to come. I don't know if I'm being tested, or if I'm being strengthened, or if I'm in this situation because my own actions got me there and now I have to go through the consequences. In Philippians it says, "Be anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Sometimes I believe that with so much faith and certainty, and other times I let doubt take over, and the worry overtakes me. So today I'm praying for peace in my heart and mind, no matter what happens. None of the things of this world matter in the end, though we just can't imagine sometimes exactly how insignificant they really are. We know what's in front of our eyes and not much more. Who knows what spiritual battles are taking place behind the scenes! As long as I keep my eyes on Jesus, I will be okay. As C.S. Lewis said, "Faith is the art of holding onto things in spite of your changing moods and circumstances." Today was a moody one for sure--here's hoping I can take my own advice tomorrow and give it all up to the one who created me and knew me before I was even born.
These pictures are actually from April, when Naomi was only 10 1/2 months old. Time has definitely not stood still, not even so I could catch up on blogging. :) But I still remember that day clearly. Naomi had just woken up from a nap and still had those puffy eyes, the rosy cheeks, and the little bedhead in back sticking up like the down on a baby chick. She was warm and snuggly and calm (she's never calm). Those first few minutes after a nap are my favorite, when she's happy and rested, and she's still kind of foggy and oh so cute! I'm going to miss this baby stage.
Right now Naomi is teething like nobody's business. I can't believe how much she goes through for each tooth that pops through! She won't eat or sleep and doesn't ever want me to put her down, not to mention all the poopy diapers. I had to get in the car and drive around today for both naps so she could actually fall asleep because nothing else was working. At home she just screams in her crib inconsolably, but won't relax enough to fall asleep if I'm holding her. She just put her head on the pillow two seconds ago (hallelujah!) after sitting in her crib fighting sleep for almost an hour. Basically without moving. Just crying and whining. I cannot believe how stubborn that child is! She has some steely determination! Earlier when I was trying to get her down for a nap, she would stand in her crib holding on to the railing, and her head would fall down onto the railing as she fell asleep, but each time she would force herself awake and keep crying. It was pretty torturous to watch, and I finally went and got her and off we went in the car. If tomorrow is anything like today, I think I may just go crazy.
xoxo,
Tanya
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